Saying Goodbye to Sasha

Today was a very very hard day . . .

I have to put my pure bred shih tzu to sleep tomorrow; she is full of tumors that they assume to be cancer & she is suffering. She turned 11 yrs old this past May.

Last year she had all these lumps all over her - a couple of them were oozy with stuff - we had a couple of them removed and had one biopsied but nothing showed and then soon after they all disappeared and never came back (she had had about 15 of them). Then about that time she also started with seizures - maybe 2 a month for a few months then probably 2 a week for 2 mos then they stopped the past 4 or so months.

Then last month she got a growth on the inside of her ear that was oozy and we treated with antibiotics and cleaned it and that went away & she seemed fine for a few weeks.

Then about 5 days ago she started breathing heavier than normal, at first I didn't think too much of it but it continued the next day and the next so I called the vet last Friday & they asked me if she was still eating, drinking etc. and I said yes so they said just make an appt on Monday which I did.

I took her in to the vet today & they did bloodwork & xrays and found several masses in her lungs, large lumps in her chest around her heart area and her liver was enlarged.

The vet was not so nice when I asked what I should do - she said well some owners put their dogs to sleep if they pee on the floor. Then she was saying i could have this test done and another test where they insert a long needle into one of the masses via watching on an ultrasound then possible chemotherapy etc. etc. Ok lots of suffering for my dog passed before my eyes. My dad had cancer, my dad suffered and wished someone would put him to sleep - he begged us but we had to let him continue and suffer & die slowly - i was not going to do this to my dog.

So I have a friend that works at another vet a couple towns over up the road a ways from the vet I first too Sasha too, so I called her. She said to bring the xrays to the vet she works for & they would look at them for me for free.

When i asked the other vet for the xrays so I could get a 2nd opinon (people do this all the time so why not for our pets?) they got mad but gave them to me but charged me for an emergency office visit even though i had an appt ahead of time, charged me for a lyme disease test (ok would u do this if a dog is dying of tumors?) - I didn't look at the bill until I was driving to the other vet with my Sasha & the xrays. So i had just paid it in full and went on my way. When i looked at it I was really upset & surprised on top of what is wrong with my baby. They so charged for things that probably were not even done - they were suppose to do xrays and blood work.

When I got to the other vet where my friend works, I left Sasha in the car & my son & I (he's 8) went into the other vet w/the xrays - he had a full house of patients but took the xrays immediately - he came back out about 5 min later & asked if I had my dog there & i said yes, she's in the car - he said to bring her right in.

He brought us into one of the exam rooms and looked at Sasha and could see her having a hard time breathing. He said she is full of tumors and that really there was nothing they could do. That at this point it was not a decision that we could spend this & that & do this & that - it was that there was no way the dog can survive and she's in pain so she had to be let go.

Of course all the ?'s running thru my head, why why why - why so fast - how could she have been fine last week and now suffering so much today - why my dog - my little Sasha?

He asked if I was ready to put her to sleep there and I said no and I asked him if I could bring her home tonight.
He said yes so that's what I did. My son and I sobbed all the way home. Sasha as sick as she is climbed from the passenger seat over to lay in my lap. She's such a trooper!

But. . . tomorrow she will have to be put to sleep - the decision to do this kills me - i feel like i'm a murderer and it makes me sick. Then again as I watch her tonight struggling to breath & when she goes to the bathroom it has now turned to being blood I think I should have put her to sleep today in the office right then and there. But I wanted one more night but is this about I - it should be about her and how to end her pain - but then we are murdering - but i have no choice but it sucks and kills a part of me right along with her.

Ok yes I know she is a dog - but to me she's not "only a dog" she's a buddy i have been with every day for the past 11 years, she was here when my son was born - grew up with him - she's a part of our family.

It hurts me to see how she's breathing. She is still eating, drinking, (they are strong little troopers) but heaves in & out when breathing & looks so weak. But still perks up when i call her name. We have taken many pictures tonight along with a couple video's when Sasha hears something and still guards us by going to see what or who it is and barking.

It's even more hard accepting all this with Sasha because just a couple months ago I went thru all this with my 16 yr old dog Uno who was part Shepard & part Siberian Husky. He was not sick just elderly and failing. I had to make the decision when or if it was time to put him to sleep and it killed me because Uno was born under my bed on my birthday and I had him for 16 great years. So it makes it even harder now losing another dog so soon after losing my Uno and now having to have Sasha put to sleep.

I can't do it. Sasha and Uno were best of buddies too. This is so hard to do - i'm just going to cuddle her all night tonight. She's my baby girl . . .

This picture is of her and our cat who is her buddy very recently on 9/14/08 - she went
downhill so so so fast - how can this happen?

http://www.slide. com/r/ZI69Xle90T 9Vm7tLPtCzYnS3k4 n1pT2G?previous_ view=mscd_ embedded_ url&view=original

Please keep her in your prayers so she makes it thru the night not in too much pain and passes quietly tomorrow when we put her down. I pray for me to have the strength to go thru this yet again and be strong for my son as well. He sobbed his eyes out tonight. It was heartwrenching!

For now I will sign off and take my little Sasha to bed with me so I can hold her all night, her last night here with us on Earth.

Soon she will join Uno - her best buddy and be at rest and at peace again with out pain & suffering.